My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
