she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Randomize
