I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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