JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
