spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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