When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
