She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
