Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
