He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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