I have demons in me.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
