gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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