Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I intend to get homeless drunk
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
