Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I don't think brook has ever known best
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
