you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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