So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
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