She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
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