Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
