I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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