her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
