and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Woke up backwards on a recliner
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
