Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Someone came in the potted fern
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Randomize
