so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
