Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
