I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
and she was petting her beer can
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
