Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
We left the knife in your bed.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
