I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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