everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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