you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I have already put on my inside pants.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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