I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
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This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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