Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
