I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Walk of Shame today included voting.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
