That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
