Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
