you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
