mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
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