So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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