Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
It's official drugs can't kill me
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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