I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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