Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
