we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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