Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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