can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
