Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Randomize
