Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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