if only i could text you this smell
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
