I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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