You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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