so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
