I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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