I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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