Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
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